My Beloved

another dream

2010-10-10T15:58:00.004-05:00

i am convicted for a couple of reasons here. one of them is obvious, i serve comfort above all else. the other reason is that i am afraid that i have become so deaf to the words of my savior that he must come to me while i'm sleeping to get my attention. either way i'm thankful that he did.

*preface to this dream: when i was 5 years old, my mom lost a baby. she actually lost a few babies, but that is the only one i was alive for, and the only one our family ever talks about. for some reason, we all believed it to be a boy. he would be 17 years old, and a senior in high school this year. i'm not emotional about this, or anything. i've never really cared.

also, i do not believe that this dream represents my parents in any way, i think they are just a part of the illustration of my own apathy.

dream:

i was sitting in my house, with my parents and my younger brother.

it was current day, and in my very living room.

the four of us were watching TV and talking on the couches when the door bell rang.

two government men in suits were at our front door.

my parents knew instantly what this was about and simply responded,

"thought it'd be our turn soon"

in my dream, i remember knowing exactly what they wanted.

i opened the door, and they looked past me at my parents and just said,

"you know the drill. we'll be back tomorrow to check, or you'll be gone, your things will be gone, and your house will be gone."

then they left.

in my dream, we lived in a time where the government controlled absolutely everything. every so often they would randomly select a house, and to make a point, they would make that family burn one of their children for the sake of keeping their comforts. if they refused to kill their child, the government would take everything they owned, and they would be forced to leave the country.

my parents just looked at us and said,

"he's the youngest, it makes the most sense"

then my parents proceeded to tie my brother's hands above his head, and attach him to a metal contraption that was supplied for us to "get the job done".

it was horrifying.

i was crying and begging my parents not to hurt him, but my mom just calmly explained that although they did not like it either, it was just something that had to be done.

i believe her exact words in my dream were,

"emily, don't you like this house, and our things?"

and i said, "yes"

and she said, "well, there is a price for everything."

we were going to sacrifice my brother for our house and our things.

with that, they lit a fire under my brother.

the worst part is that it was a slow fire, and it began at the bottom, and slowly burned his skin starting at his legs.

he never said a word, he just looked at me, tears streaming down his face. multiple times he moaned and cried out in pain.

(even after i woke up, the only image that i could not get out of my mind, was the way he looked at me as if he felt so betrayed, and so unloved, we never looked away from each other)

my mother, my father and i sat on the couches in my living room with my brother tied up directly in front of us...in so much pain.

the most heart wrenching part of my dream was when my parents realized that this was going to take awhile, so they turned the TV back on, and proceeded to watch it while my brother was burning. tears were streaming down both of our faces, but still i said nothing.

he continued to stare at me, and in my dream it was as if i was actually contemplating,

'my brother? or my stuff?'

I ACTUALLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.

finally i jumped up and untied his hands.

my parents were upset with me, and said,

"fine! but if you take him, then you have to take responsibility for it and leave the country because if you don't, we'll lose everything we own."

i looked at my brother again as if i was yet again contemplating whether or not he was worth it. i hugged him, and we ran out the front door together.

then i woke up.

i was crying when i woke up, and i was so confused. i started to pray about it immediately. i had no idea if this was from god, or just a nightmare. my first response was, "god, that is completely ridiculous. there is no way i would hesitate in choosing my brother over my stuff. that is insulting."

then i realized...i already have.

and i continue to do so, e v e r y s i n g l e day.

the more i prayed about it, the more i felt god lovingly explaining to me,

just because this boy had a face, and a name, and shared your blood, makes him no more of a brother to you than the millions of other children whom you sacrifice for the sake of your comfort. their blood is on your hands.

when i supply myself with my wants, i directly rob others of their needs.

i live in disgusting, murderous excess.

father, forgive me.

Saviour, like Thee

2010-08-01T13:33:00.002-05:00

more holiness give me, more striving within

more patience in suff'ring, more sorrow for sin

more faith in my Saviour, more sense of His care

more joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.

more gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord

more pride in His glory, more hope in His Word

more tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief

more meekness in trial, more praise for relief.

more purity give me, more strength to o'ercome

more freedom from earth-stains, more longings for home

more fit for the kingdom, more used would i be

more blessed and holy, more Saviour, like Thee.

amen

p.p. bliss

i had this dream...

2010-03-03T15:27:00.002-06:00

in my dream, i was sitting in a meadow.

i was sort of awkwardly pulling up the grass around me, just sitting quietly.

jesus was sitting directly to my left, doing the exact same thing.

(this is not abnormal, because there are a few places around central illinois that i will often go to talk to jesus. all of them are in the middle of nowhere. this is just the first time i've dreamed of it...and seen him)

we sat there for a little while, not saying a word. each looking down at the grass.

he quietly looked up and pointed to the horizon and said,

"do you see those buildings, far away?"

i said,

"yes."

he responded,

"can you see the tallest one?"

"yes."

"that one is me. you can run as far away as you'd like, but i will just keep getting taller, so that no matter how far away you get, you will be able to see me, and know what direction to run when you're ready to come home."

"thanks."

"you're welcome."

there was a few more moments of silence.

"i want you to do the same."

"what?"

"if i am going to keep building my tower taller, i want you to build yours taller, too. i want you to stand above your surroundings, always. ok?"

i nodded.

he stood up and brushed the grass off of his robe, and then bent down and kissed me on the forehead. i was still looking down at the grass.

he walked away.

"wait!"

i called after him, looking him in the eye for the first time. he stopped, and turned to face me.

"why don't i just follow you now? so i don't get lost?"

he chuckled.

"well...you could. but you won't."

"why not?"

i frowned at him, as if i was offended that he was telling me what i would do.

"i don't know, but you never do. for some reason, you prefer to wait until i am far away, and then try to chase after me on your own. you sit out here, all by yourself, and watch me walk away. sometimes i talk, but you don't hear me. it's much more difficult. you could just take my hand and walk with me...but like i said...you never do."

"oh."

there was another moment of silence.

"i'm sorry."

"it's ok. i'll see you soon."

and then he continued to walk away, while i sat...picking grass.

2009-11-30T23:47:00.001-06:00

i buy books almost entirely because i like the way the cover looks.

the EXACT thing we've all be taught not to do.

i wish i could break this habit...

2009-11-17T20:06:00.010-06:00

i have been reminded so many times throughout the past weeks that sometimes,

it is not about me.

sometimes, it is not about you either.

i moved out.

i like to pout about it, because it feels lonely.

my apartment is quiet, and relatively empty.

my parents do not sleep across the hall.

(however, ashley mcknight does)

my income is currently below the american poverty line.

(this fact is completely void, because i have parents who would always support me if needed)

i can't afford the shampoo and

food i like the most.

i can't buy coffee every morning before school.

i had to cancel my hair appointment...because i am currently broke.

BIG DEAL.

who do i think i am?

and why do i think i deserve these things?

i am comfortable...so comfortable compared to others. how dare i complain about it.

on sunday, i was talking to a lovely missionary couple that i have

worked beside in Ecuador a few times.

they have just returned to america, and were talking about the adjustments.

they mentioned how they had forgotten a few things...

-americans are disgustingly wasteful

-americans treat their pets better than they treat most people

-americans are incredibly materialistic and apathetic

-americans only care about america

all of these things struck me, but they were also things i had already thought of, and knew to be true.

but then they said something that really struck me.

jesus is coming.

it wasn't so much what they said, but how they said it.

they were like school children on the last day of class,

so excited, talking with such anticipation.

they literally can't wait to see their jesus.

it wasn't until later that night, when another person in my life whom i value beyond belief

was talking about her experience in china that i realized why those words stuck me so much.

i am not that excited for jesus to return.

why?

I AM SELFISH. those missionaries, and anyone with half a heart for jesus would understand that it is NOT always about us. we may be "good" here.

comfortable, fed, clothed, happy. there are others...so many others who definitely aren't. why on earth am i not praying for jesus to come, as quickly as possible, to free those people from their suffering? how is it possible that i have seen with my own eyes children who have been raped more times than they could count, and not pray for jesus to return. how is it possible that i have stood amongst the hungry, the diseased, the hated, the tortured and the dying and not prayed for jesus to return. I AM SELFISH.

I AM FOOLISH. how is it possible that anyone who knows anything about my god would possibly think that this world has something to offer me that eternity will not. why would it ever even enter my mind to think...gee god, it would be nice if you would wait. there are a few things here i would like to experience first. i disgust

myself. how little must i know of his glory if this is genuinely the cry of my heart? I AM FOOLISH.

2,976 people died in the 9/11 attacks

2,350 people died at pearl harbor

1,836 people died in hurricane katrina

5,000+ americans have died in the war in iraq

17,000 people died of hunger....today.

so no, it is absolutely not about me.

and i don't know how i could have ever thought it was.

it has never e v e r been about me.

my life is simply a breath, and it is not me who will give it meaning.

maybe if i started living like this...like i believed this, things would be different.

maybe if for me, living really was for christ, and dying was even better,

things would be different.

maybe if i loved the way i was created to love, things would be different.

come sweet jesus, so that no more children are left unfed

come sweet jesus, so that jordan and teri can be done fighting cancer

come sweet jesus, so that children are no longer raped

come sweet jesus, so that death no longer exists

come sweet jesus, because we need you. we long for you. we wait for you.

great news guys

2009-09-21T10:37:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is the first day of

A U T U M N

2009-09-09T19:25:00.002-05:00

I am taking a Comparative Religions class this semester, which is great.

The past couple weeks, we have been studying Hinduism.

According to the cast system, there are 4 casts that stand for

the head • the arms • the legs • the feet

below the feet are the untouchables

in Hindu culture, an untouchable is

not even human.

an untouchable is

below an animal.

both of these children are untouchables,

who desperately need to be touched.

2009-08-31T17:59:00.004-05:00

did you know:

if i had 425 lbs. of rice sitting in front of me...

every single grain would represent

one person being sexually trafficked...

right now.

every. single. grain.

that is an overwhelming amount of people.

red and yellow, conservative and libreal, they are precious in His sight.

2009-08-27T22:33:00.004-05:00

we have sang the song a million times,

and taught it to way too many children.

jesus loves the little children,

all the children of the world.

red and yellow, black and white,

they are precious in his sight.

jesus loves the little children

of the world.

chalk one up for the christians for

YET AGAIN

being hypocrites.

why do we teach this song to children?

so that they learn we are ALL loved, and cherished deeply by our Father

despite our differences.

cultural-physical-emotional-personal

small town country church...meet my friend, the charismatic city church.

skirts...meet tattoos.

king james...meet bible podcasts.

piano...meet electrical guitar.

hymns...meet hillsong.

suits...meet bluejeans.

hand folding...meet hand raising.

fried chicken and cheesy potatoes...meet organic hummus and pita.

leaf raking...meet prostitution ministry.

steeples...meet coffee shops.

jesus follower...meet jesus follower.

maybe if we would just

S H U T U P

for a few minutes, and ask each other some questions,

we would find that we're really not all that different.

stop arguing.

stop debating.

stop comparing.

stop choosing.

start loving.

really, when you put the two together, they fit quite nicely.

one's weaknesses are the other's strengths.

oh wait...

i guess that's what jesus meant by "together forming the body of christ"

temporarily deactivated.

2009-08-25T22:42:00.002-05:00

goodbye for now, facebook.

hello:

spanish homework

high schoolers

jesus

friendships

i just don't have room for you all, and something had to go.

2009-08-18T23:41:00.007-05:00

children have a lot of things to learn.

for example, children don't know that it's not polite to stare.

and they aren't uncomfortable when you stare back....actually, it usually makes them smile.

i love that children stare

because i love to stare back

it's the only time that you can stare at someone without it being awkward

tonight at busy corner, this adorable little black child came in

(i was not staring because this is incredibly rare, but because he was incredibly adorable)

so we stared at each other for awhile, quite awhile.

in that moment all i could think about was the overwhelming number of children that are never looked at, hugged, talked to, and how completely capable my eyes and arms are of doing just that.

professional starer.

professional hugger.

did you know that some autistic people treat their anxiety with a "hugging machine"?

the pressure automatically slows their nervous system, calming them down.

when you hug someone, whether they like it or not, you are having a a calming, and comforting effect on them.

interesting.

i hate that some children never get that.

i h a t e it.

hug people. stare at children.

things i have learned about myself this week...

2009-08-11T13:32:00.008-05:00

or maybe i should say,

things i've accepted about myself this week.

some things are not so good, some things are just...things.

i have a lot of growing up to do.

my mind doesn't work right, and unless i'm writing it, or thinking it out loud...

its not being processed.

i have an addiction to caffeine. not a joke.

the entirety of my dislike for my mother during my teenage years was my fault.

(she is now by best friend)

i care A LOT about what people think of me.

i am horrible at planning and follow-through.

i used to think that's just who i was...but let's be honest, it's just who i've chosen to be.

upon walking into a room, i decide which people to be intimidated by, and which people are not a threat based on how "cool" i think they are.

i have to consciously make my mind stop in these moments.

a job that comes with a retirement plan and a desk makes me feel incredibly claustrophobic.

i'm still not entirely sure if this is a good thing, or a bad thing.

i have a extreme paranoia that one of my family members will die, and therefore am constantly creating escape plans in my mind when we are in abnormal situations.

i am absolutely positive this is not from God.

i have a dear friend who used these words once,

"i flirt for fulfillment."

guilty.

i love high school ministry more every single day.

i love to tell stories, and i love to hear stories. i prefer non-fiction.

but because of my love for a good story, i tend to exaggerate.

exaggeration is the word we find easier to use than lying...which is exactly what it is.

i would really like to adopt children someday, or run an orphanage.

i prefer to have many many acquaintances, and maybe 3 very close friends

over having several very close friends.

jesus is not the lover of my soul, he is not my hiding place, he is not my refuge,

not entirely. but i wish very badly he was.

i know the only reason he isn't is because i am lackadaisical in our relationship.

my lack of sensitivity to the way other people relate and prefer to be loved,

has caused hurt to many people i would never want to hurt.

i hide behind sarcasm.

i'm sure there are many many more things i could say here...but for those of you who were paying attention, you will know by number 2 that i'm really only writing this so that i can process it, and deal with it. also...because the last item on this list is...

satan controls me so effortlessly by my fear of how i am being perceived by others.

i hide my sin, and therefore, it remains.

my happy things...

2009-07-01T17:14:00.008-05:00

no matter how bad the mood,

these things will always make me smile.

cornfields

lightening bugs

stars

having lunch with my mom

strawberry blow-pops

handicapped people

playing apples to apples

quality time with dad

good coffee

orbit white (the green kind)

my sister and best friend

doing laundry

listening to country or bluegrass

fruit by the foot

swimming in a lake

watching twilight (don't judge me.)

my brother-in-law's jokes

taking a loooong shower

tennis

without these things, i am unhappy. these are the things i pull smiles from.

i am happy every day, because i am surrounded by these things.

one problem: jesus alone should be enough.

i'm not saying it's not ok to find joy in other things, but as i was driving through the country the other day, it hit me...and i said out loud "jesus is not where i look for happiness."

how sad.

imagine what life would be like if he was...

2009-06-23T10:04:00.003-05:00

Summer solstice has officially come and gone...which tells us that SUMMER IS HERE!

Normally, that would not excite me, summer is my LEAST favorite season.

However, summer is seeming a bit more relaxing than usual, and I'm quite looking forward to it. Here are my goals (which you can hold me accountable to) for the summer:

Add at least 2,000 to my bank account

Memorize the book of James

Find an apartment (with my cousin angela...gr. it will be tough)

Read at least 3 books

Clean out my car

Apply for nursing school

Begin to learn Spanish Exercise daily

Make a new friend

Improve time/money management

Catch a fish

Learn to cook

More to come......

i know i was chosen....i just don't know why.

2009-06-15T15:55:00.003-05:00

we know

our God is the

all-powerful

omniscient

all-loving

omnipresent

i am.

this past week i was in ecuador.

it was my third trip down there, and it went by very fast.

today i feel so strange, but i think that is ok.

for some reason, it

was harder for me to connect to god when i was there than it has been in a long time. i'm not really sure what's going on, but i'm ready to hear his voice again.

the whole week i felt a little "off".

out of place....weird, considering i was with the group of people i feel the most at home with.

this is what i prayed for personally through the week:

i have a lack of passion and mercy for people in general.

i want to love more.

i feel so unworthy and sinful, that it is interfering with my ability to hear god.

i want to be free from sin.

i feel out of place often, like i'm not meant to be here, but i'm not sure where else to go.

i want a purpose.

he heard me.

when i got home last night, i had a letter waiting for me from my dear friend Audrey.

this is what it said:

i was praying for you...i got a picture of you in a field-you're a flower, surrounded by other flowers, you keep trying to grow, but there's no space. i see god's hand pulling you out and transplanting you to a place where you can stretch out your roots, and then he puts you back into the field, but you're much larger/stronger than the other flowers. i keep hearing the word "mercy". That God is putting his mercy more and more into your life that you would reflect that side of him more to those who need it. i also felt him say "I love you, Emily. Your heart is SO pure." and you shouldn't disagree.

i was not listening. because he is GOD, he found another way to reach me.

we are his children! his very own flesh, his love for us is beyond anything that we could imagine, why haven't we surrendered?

do we ever stop to remember that HE IS GOD?

why why why

would we ever be afraid when we know his is always standing right next to us.

not in the other room, not in the general area.

HE IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

so close he can feel your breath.

he is listening to your every thought, this very moment.

he is dreaming for you.

he is planning for you.

he is crying for you.

please, please turn to him.

when we rest in the arms of our father, we are untouchable.

we have identity.

we have authority.

we have a father, king, protector, lover, savior.

he chose me.

he is the God who made:

Mary - to deliver a savior

Daniel - to be untouched by lions

Shadarack, Meshack and Abendigo to stand up for their God and be delivered from fire.

Moses - to be raised as royalty, receive the 10 commandments, to part the red sea and free his people

Noah - to build an ark, and save the world

Abraham - to look after an entire nation

David - to kill the giant and save his people

Stephen - to be so fearless in faith, even while being stoned to death

YOU - to do what?

he did not create you, with the desire that you would be ordinary.

in christ, we have the power to change nations, to be delivered from the hand of our enemy.

we have reason to expect miracles, and ask for them.

"It is true that the enemy will essentially leave you alone if you are domesticated. He will not waste his energy destroying a civilized religion. If anything, he uses his energy to promote such activity. Religion can be one of the surest places to keep us from God. When our faith becomes refined, it is no longer dangerous to the dark kingdom. Barbarians, on the other hand, are not to be trusted. They respect no borders that are established by powers or principalities. They have but one King, our LORD, and one mission. They are insolent enough to crash the gates of hell." -erwin mcmanus

it's time to step it up. we need to be listening, because He is most certainly speaking.

we need to be active, and fearless. i am right there with you, i am confused, and a little scared.

i am scared because i know that surrendering usually means pain. i know that the task he called us to is not an easy one. i also know that your fears define your master. i fear losing comfort, being alone, never experiencing a blissful life...those things have become my master.

we are called to fear ONLY god.

2009-06-02T22:09:00.003-05:00

time to go back

thank you, jesus....two years has been too long.

this will be trip three to quito, ecuador

the first time, i begged god to never ask me to be a missionary

or send me back to ecuador.

this time....i am so excited to be back in that country i have

b u t t e r f l i e s

if you are reading this, i am going to ask you to pray

while i was in india, the one lesson that was drilled into my head

OVER AND OVER

was the importance of prayer and spiritual warfare

the holy spirit defeats satan. end of story.

so here is a list of the people on the trip, please pray for them by name. if you listen, the holy spirit will prompt you on what specifically to pray for:

phil shields

craig johnson

brenda grimm

amanda mclaughlin

emily tolson

marie varnet

jacob beasley

tracy lara

stefan sauder

cody fryer

tanner mammen

allison lessard

dominique lara

natalie siegel

tyler flynn

sarah willey

jeni fogle

megan gschwind

caleb ulrich

ask for miracles, ask for salvation

people there are "catholic"....sort of.

their catholicism often consists of witch doctor's and spirit/ancestor worship

i promise you, jesus loves ecuador, and desires every single heart that lives there.

may his will be done

on earth as it is in heaven

thank you thank you thank you

for praying.

2009-05-13T23:15:00.001-05:00

the best part about being in the country during a thunderstorm

is the miles and miles of terrifying sky

at the hands of an even more terrifying and wondrous God.

Complacency is Satan's favorite weapon

2009-04-24T14:15:00.008-05:00

I feel like this is so stereotypical, but that is just fine with me.

A F R I C A

My mind has already made an attempt to wrap arms around it and fall in love.

Being what we Christian's dub as a "missionary" is sort of humorous sometimes, mostly because it is a horribly defined word in our vocabulary (we use it only to imply that someone is living in a hut far away) and WITHOUT FAIL when someone knows that you have been on a trip, but they can't remember quite where, they will always ask, "How was...er...Africa?" As if it's the only place a missionary has ever gone. Seriously, I bet you I couldn't count how many times someone has asked me how Africa was....

I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE.

I truly don' t mind though. I'm just flattered that they cared enough to ask.

Let's go back to that word...missionary. This is my favorite definition:

Missionary: A person who is sent on a mission.

so perfectly simple.

guess what this means?

you, my friends, if you proclaim to believe in and follow Jesus, are a missionary.

if you don't believe me, crack open your bible to Matthew 28:18...you just got a new full-time job.

you are.

i am.

we are.

i love conviction, i love it so much. it is what we thrive off of, it is how we grow, change and mature, and isn't that the point of it all? this is how i have been convicted recently:

emily: jesus, i want to be a missionary for you.

jesus: really? then why are you doing nothing about it?

emily: hm...good question.

jesus: perhaps because comfort is your god, and fear is your ruler. perhaps because you would rather say yes to yourself than say yes to me.

emily: perhaps.

i am tired of being tired. a lazy, worn out (for no good reason) christian. i have let my jesus down. my mouth and my actions have said two completely different things. i am sorry to you, whoever is reading this, that i have been hypocritical.

www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

my dear sweet laura has pointed me to this blog. it is written by a girl named Katie who is only 20, but has discovered the truth behind what it means to passionately serve Christ with all that you have. Did you catch that?

ALL THAT YOU HAVE.

what do you have?

simply by living in america you have:

more opportunities than anyone else in the world.

more money than 90 percent of the world.

the gospel.

your prayers.

time.

you have your entire life, please please give it away.

(one of the perks of luke-warm christians, although totally not worth the trade, is that they are very willing to give money to 'missionaries' because they have no intent of ever going themselves)

this is not meant to be a post that proclaims that all of us who are still living in america are wrong...hello...i live in morton. but it is to ask you, and myself...are we where we are supposed to be?

the other day i was praying and thanking God for all He has given me. telling him that it all belonged to him, and to help me use it for his glory. this was the response i felt.

does it really belong to me? if so, then why don't you give it up. if i want you to have it, i'll give it back.

s m a c k in the face.

i have never EVER truly given anything up. sure, some money, some time. i pray for other people. great.

he wants it all.

everything.

i know, because i know my jesus, that life will only be sweeter, and more satisfying the moment i truly truly say, it is all yours. so why haven't i? i'm not sure, but it's not ok.

perhaps because being like katie and selling everything i own and moving to a foreign country is not exactly responsible?

wow.

millions of orphans

millions of children starving to death under our watch

our own brothers and sisters dying of preventable disease

horrendous wars raging throughout the world

enslaved children, forced to sleep with older men and kill other children

imprisoned missionaries

we are doing nothing.

how is that responsible?

i am not the only one who feels a change coming. my friend, Sarah, and I were talking at lunch the other day. Sarah also has a heart for missions, as do many young people i know. we were talking about this very issue, responsibility. see...i think the problem is that we think too much. we allow god to dream for us for just one little moment, and our mindset is changed, we desire to change the world, we talk big, dream big, even pray big, but never actively do anything besides that to see it come to a reality. we make "long-term" plans. first it starts with:

"I'll go when I graduate."

and then you graduate. and then it's:

"I'll go when my career settles down, and I have enough money to support myself."

wrong. then it sounds like:

"I'll go when my kids are grown."

and then you're forty.

"I'll go when I retire."

and now you're old, and enjoying that retirement you worked so hard for.

you start school at the age of 4, after that...there is never an end to responsibility. if you keep waiting for that "break" it is never going to come. and you are never going to go.

do you recall the passage in the bible where Jesus says,

"Make your money, make your home, and when you have enjoyed all the comforts in life, spend the little time you have left giving to others."

right. that's DEFINITELY NOT in there.

I'm not quite sure what the purpose of this post is. maybe to say that i'm frustrated with the church, and the believers around me, but mostly i am disgusted and frustrated with myself. i desire change, and i know i can be change. i know you can be change. in one of her blogs Katie quotes Father Kaj Munk saying:

"Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature... we lack a holy rage - the recklessness which comes from the knowlege of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth... a holy anger about the things that are worng in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God's earth and and the desruction of God's people. To rage when little children must die of hunger, while the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and the madness of militaries. To rage against the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destrustion peace. To rage against COMPLACENCY. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the kingdom of God."

think about it. be ruined today for the ordinary. ask god where he wants you, with a heart that is honestly willing to hear the answer, even if it means giving up everything you have and following him.

this will be my last post from india.....

2009-01-07T10:56:00.008-06:00

I come to you with great faith in saying, our Lord is working in India...but there is much work still to be done. Work that many of you reading this could do.

"The stone the

builders rejected has become the cornerstone..." 1 pet 2:7

We have seen with our own eyes, and held with our own arms many, many rejected people. The two children in the picture live in a leper colony. They are outcasts

...complete outcasts.

They live in a pla

ce where they are of

fered little more than

rotting flesh, dirty animals, and extreme poverty. They are normal children,

and by far the most

affectionate children we met in India. They have no idea the challenges they will face as adults in a cast centered society. For right now, they are free to be children. The essence of true christianity. Their faith is blind, and real. Their hearts beat passionately. They are fearless. The older man in the picture lives in the same place. He is considered dirty, tainted and diseased. This could not describe him any less. He is a gentle man, who helps out everyone around him. He tends to the children, and puts other's needs before his own. On this day, we had the lovely privilege of presenting him with medicine. Medicine the cures leprosy.

The little girl sitting against the wall...was abandoned. How anyone could ever leave such a child, I'm not sure...but they did. She lives in an orphanage with 49 other children just like her...rejected.

At one point or another on this trip...all of the people in these pictures have worshiped our Lord. We've seen them hold up his banner, in a most literal way. They sang praise songs in the leper colonies...

and in the orphanage. They lifted their arms to Him and bowed their heads in prayer.

These people are not rejects....they are our family. And more importantly...His children, bought with His blood. For they will become the cornerstone.

Our lord never chose the likely. He never chose the domestic, civilized Christians who have the rules memorized. He chose the uncivilized, barbaric believers who run with reckless abandon as if they have nothing to lose...because they simply have nothing to lose. These are not people who build their homes, build their lives...and then invite God to come to them. No. These are people who say, everything I have is yours...don't come to me...I will follow You. No matter where you lead....I will follow You, Jesus.

Look into the eyes of the children in these pictures...and pray right now that they would become warriors. Pray that they would know the real Jesus. Not the ritualistic Jesus that has been painted in their minds through the other religions. The real, living, speaking Jesus.

These people...the rejected...are likely to become cornerstones in our faith. Are you? What exactly do you have to lose?

"The invitation of Jesus is a revolutionary call to fight for the heart of humanity. We are called to an unconventional war using only the weapons of faith, hope, and love. Nevertheless, this war is no less dangerous than any war ever fought. And for those of us who embrace the cause of Christ, the cost to participate in the mission of God is nothing less than everything we are and everything we have."

- erwin mcmanus

welcome to அகிலண்டிபுர்றோம் ...

2008-12-26T05:56:00.006-06:00

Akilandapuram

that is the name of our village.

sorry it has taken me so long to update, but we do not have the internet like we expected.
here's what you've missed...

1. 3 more of our team members made it to India, praise the Lord! Dan, Xan and Kyle all arrived a few days after we did. Kristin never did make it, so be praying for her.

2. we are in a village. much different than i expected. our neighbors live in grass huts and we walk around with goats and chickens (this explains the lack of internet)

3. yesterday was christmas...MERRY CHRISTMAS...we celebrated by eating rice on a banana leaf. it was magical.

so this country....is fantastic.
i do not have words to tell you what i'm seeing with my own eyes, and unfortunately the computer i'm on will not load pictures.
i will do my best...
i have seen many a country in my day and so far nothing can compare to this place. the people are beautiful, and fascinating. they are not at all shy, they follow us around...in herds...and ask every question they can form in english.

from morning to night a group of children wait outside of our gate just in case we walk by so they can say "hello". they are the sweetest things.

the christians here make me envious. they have true faith, and passion.
these are some of the things we've heard from them so far...

"I've heard that the churches in America would be better used as supermarkets."
- a Pastor from Dubai

"Our church prays for America and Europe daily. The believers there are dead."
- a couple from Trichy, India

"I have no money, and no job, but I will use all the money that I do make to build 5 more churches in my village."
-a young boy, ex-drug addict in India

"We are not sad about the persecution...it only makes us stronger."
-youth pastor in Trichy, India

these people know the lord, in a raw..and true way. it is so humbling to see, and encouraging to hear.

we have spent most of our days here working with children, and with churches. the programs that they have set up here are amazing. the churches open their doors to children, and hindu kids flood them. people in charge of the ministries say that the children all believe in jesus...and at a young age, some even 4 or 5 years old will go home and lay hands on their parents when they are sick, or pray for their family's salvation.

again...i am humbled. so proud of them.

ha. it is quite funny that every indian christian faithfully watches the station "daystar" which televises megachurches from the united states. i think most of them half expect us to show up with special effects and extravagant productions.
sorry to disappoint, i am no benny hinn.

prayer right now is necessary.
spiritual warfare is essential.
the christian population is extremely small, and even the christians still follow hindu tradition, simply because it's their culture.
those who are not hindu, are muslim..and a few are buddhist.

story:

every morning at 4:55 we wake up to a hindu call to prayer that is blared over loud speakers in the villages. on christmas eve i woke up and began to pray simply that people would feel empty by these prayers, that they would realize that there is no life in these words
I prayed that they would seek truth...and find God.
I prayed that God would stop this, that Satan would have no place in this village and could no longer affect these people.
As I was praying, the speaker cut out..and the hindu prayer stopped.
Angela sat up and said, "Oh my gosh! I was just praying against that call to prayer and it stopped."
Sarah sat up and said, "No way! Me too!"

jesus woke all three of us up, asked us to pray for the same thing...and it happened.
every morning since then, the power has gone out during the prayer, cutting the speaker.

our prayer is that by the time we leave, the prayer will be non-existent in our village.

keep praying. be obedient in intercession.
you may not physically be here, but your prayers are. they absolutely are.

bienvenue sur paris...

2008-12-20T11:36:00.004-06:00

s.t.r.a.n.d.e.d.

in paris.

it could be worse. we were delayed in new york, and then missed our flight to chennai, so we are now in paris. we are here for 1o hours, and then they are flying us to singapore. that is a 12 hour flight. once we get there...they will try to get us onto a flight from chennai.

eventually. eventually we will get there, even if we have to visit every continent in the world.

the original flight plan:

peoria-chicago-buffalo-new york city-paris-chennai

so far...

bus to chicago-new jersey-bus to new york-paris-singapore-chennai

we are tired and hungry...and having so much fun.

with every passing obstacle we are growing more and more confident that god wants to do amazing things in india.

we cannot wait.

thank you for prayers, there are undoubtedly the reason we are sitting here right now.

love love love you

w.o.w.

2008-12-19T14:58:00.002-06:00

let me just give you a brief run through of the last few days...

12.8 i get a lovely e-mail from the indian visa office saying that my passport and visa application are lost in the mail.

12.17 dad and i make a last minute trip to chicago to pick up my passport and visa

-without my parents, the last two days of my life would have been the worst-

12.18 we find out the following about my plane ticket:

1. if i fly out of peoria, and it gets cancelled...i d

on't go to india.

2. if i take the train to chicago, and my plane from peoria never got cancelled....i don't go to india.

3. if i fly out of peoria, and make it to chicago....there is a good chance my flight to buffalo will

get cancelled....and i don't go to india.

12.18 i take a gamble and get on a train to chicago at 6 pm.

when i arrive in chicago i get a phone call saying my chicago to buffalo flight is cancelled

HOWEVER....if i am in peoria, they can fly me directly to New York TONIGHT.

great. i am not in peoria. i just arrived in chi

cago.

i start crying. turns out...the lady sitting next to me is a doctor from south india.

thank you god, that was nice of you.

after a series of phone calls...looooong phone calls...my cousin and i book two tickets to New Jersey....the lady on the phone says, "you can find your own way to New York"

so that is exactly what we did.

12.19 there were three open seats on a random flight to jersey...my cousin and i took 2 of them.

Jersey is in the middle of a snow/ice storm. our plane lost auto-pilot as it was landing.

we rode a bus to new york, which is where i sit now.

everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong...but yet we are here.

God is Good.

that is all there is to it.

sarah, angela and i are in the airport...4 of our teammates are missing.

kristin is stuck in north carolina...her flight is cancelled.

xan and kyle are stuck in nashville...their flight is cancelled.

dan is on his way. unless our flight is delayed...he is going to miss it.

the cost for missing these flights? 1,200 dollars per person. please pray.

2008-10-31T23:47:00.006-05:00

there are a few things i would like to do before the snow begins to fall...

rake leaves, and jump in the pile. (there are not yet any trees at my home)

go camping...just one last time

take a picture in a patch of pumpkins

take a nap outside

go fishing

eat indian food while sitting somewhere i have never been

ghetto night with gabriel

drink at least 3 more pumpkin spice lattes

go on a long l o n g walk

make a winter scarf

go hiking

i will miss you, sweet autumn.

but i'm happy to hear winter knocking at my door.

2008-10-03T14:43:00.006-05:00

i broke my voice.

this is...by all means...an answer to prayer.

the doctor told me to be quiet for at least four months.

be quiet.

this is exactly the prescription i needed.

10 reasons i thank my jesus for autumn....

2008-09-18T15:13:00.009-05:00

1. pumpkin pie

2. pumpkin spice latte

3. scarves

4. colors

5. hot apple cider

6. campfires

7. pumpkins!

8. candy corn

9. thanksgiving dinner

10. harvest

2008-09-17T22:03:00.002-05:00

i cannot remember the last time i stood with my arms like that.

simply because my God is God.

I was talking to a few lovely girls this past week about the book of Galatians.

it was not an easy book to read by any means.

for me, personally, it reminded me of what i am not.

in the book of Galatians, Paul goes into a bit more detail on the preparation

that took place before he began his ministry.

he talks of his passion,

his mercy,

his love,

his character.

all the while, giving the glory to our Father, not himself.

i want so desperately to be like Paul.

i want to know what it feels like to be able to honestly exclaim,

"For I have died, and it is Christ who lives within me."

i am not dead. unfortunately.

the day has finally arrived...

2008-08-11T17:12:00.005-05:00

i present to you,

Mr. and Mrs. Emanuel Haesler

the wedding was perfect.

it was held outside at a local cafe, with dancing inside to follow.

everyone had a fantastic time

and the bride was stunning.

congratulations to our sister and brother,

we love you endlessly, and couldn't be happier for you.

WE HAVE ARRIVED IN SAN FRANCISCO!

2008-08-11T16:57:00.006-05:00

after driving for 50 hours, we have finally made it to san francisco.

g l o r i o u s

i tell you. it was like breathing fresh air for the first time, or coming home after being away. stepping foot onto the base, smelling familiar smells and seeing familiar faces is literally indescribable. frozen with happiness, we greeted our old friends at the base, and of course....i cried.

the drive up the coast was very beautiful, we saw many many orchards, and drove quite a distance behind onion trucks, which added to our already delightful smell inside the car. when we finally made it to the bay bridge, we squealed with excitement, it finally felt real. the skyline was breathtaking, not really because of it's beauty, but more because of it's sentimental importance. thank you jesus

for life long friends.

we arrived just in time for hannah's bachelorette party. it was a wonderful gathering at a near-by sushi restaurant, followed by an evening on the town, and lots of laughter. what a blessing to be able to spend hannah's last single night with her.

405 miles to San Francisco...

2008-08-09T19:54:00.005-05:00

we are on the home stretch...

welcome to SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

this stop was by far the most important on our way to San Francisco.

Two very important people, close to our hearts live in So Cal

Nikki and Josh both did their DTS with Summer and I

in San Francisco. Neither of them could come to the wedding...

so we came to them.

Josh didn't know we were coming,

so we showed up at his church and surprised him...

Joshua Arana

is one of my closest friends.

we fight like siblings,

and love every second of it.

it was more than great to be able to see him

and hug him again.

forever in my heart.

After stopping by to see Josh, we drove to Nikki's house

Nikki is one of the most tender, amazing girls

I have ever known.

691 miles to San Francisco...

2008-08-09T19:21:00.005-05:00

welcome to the Valley of Fire

we've made it all the way to nevada..... glorious.

the drive here was the most beautiful i

have ever experienced.

we decided to camp

- - - - -

GREAT IDEA

(slight sarcasm)

hints that we shouldn't have camped in the valley of fire:

1. it's called the valley of freaking fire

2. it was 96 degrees when we got there at 10:30 at night

3. NO ONE else was camping there

4. it was an hour drive through the desert from the nearest building

5. snakes

6. we have no air conditioning in summer's car

7. AND no phone service

not surprisingly, it ended up being a highlight of our trip.

yes, we were laying practically on top of each other, sticky with sweat

BUT we laughed a lot, learned a lot, and really enjoyed the misery.

quite honestly, i would do it again in a heartbeat.

beautiful colorado

2008-08-04T22:44:00.010-05:00

look who i ran into in denver....

my lovely cousin nick.

nick lives in denver, so he gave me a wonderful tour, including the trek to the top of a mountain! we got a little wet and dirty, but it was so beautiful.

lightning struck the mountain and started a fire - beautiful mountain lake

an old mine - my mountain goat friend

road of death - lovely canyon river

1,448 miles to San Francisco...

2008-08-04T13:28:00.008-05:00

right now, we are recharging.

our i-pods.

our lap tops.

our phones.

our bodies.

we began the trip at about 4:30 pm yesterday (sunday). tightly packed down

summer's car, and headed out...

we drove to cedar falls, iowa, to see luke, another boy from our DTS.

this stop meant free thai food at the restaurant he works at, and lots and lots of hugs.

we continued from there, and drove through the night to denver.

long, borning, and sleepy drive.

nebraska is the most dreadful state to drive through at night. however, Jesus did provide some of the best stars i have ever seen to look at.

we arrived in colorado bright and early.

we made our way to denver, which is where i sit now.

summer and becca are sleeping and we are very much anticipating showers in a couple hours.

we will be crashing here until early tomorrow morning, then we will make the 11 hour trip to valley of fire, nevada, where we will be camping overnight.

hurray!

pray for safety and energy!

2,394 miles to San Francisco...

2008-08-02T09:14:00.014-05:00

the day i have been waiting on for months is nearly here.

on this lovely afternoon, two fantastic women will be arriving at my doorstep.

tomorrow...the three of us will begin our drive to california.

our very, very long drive to california.

would you like to meet them? they are lovely...

This is miss summer lynn zeller. she is quite the lady.

summer is incredibly musically inclined, and as impeccable taste in music. she loves simon

and garfunkle, and i love her.

summer and i were roommates for 2 and a half

months in san francsico, and then for another month

in thailand. the ex-math major is extremely bright, slightly sarcastic, and so much fun. she has just recently driven here from salem, oregon....just so she could make this road trip back with us. after her DTS, summer went to a school of worship in Denver, and that is where she met...

becca

the best part about becca.....we have never met.

becca and i just recently became acquainted via facebook, but i'm going to say in faith that after this little trip of

ours, we will be quite good friends. becca is personable, and so sweet. also a music lover, she attended the school of worship in Denver, which is where she met Hannah. Hannah and Manni are getting married on thursday, in San Francisco, hence the trip. So far, becca seems to be up for everything, optimistic, and so much fun. i cannot wait to get to know her better! becca wants to be a missionary someday, and desires to teach hygiene and infection control in foreign countries. she is a lover, who will change the world.

we will be taking off on sunday, after sweet Katie Ritthaler becomes Katie Herman.

please please please pray for our safety. we will be driving through the night on sunday to Denver, and I would imagine we will be quite tired.

thank you all!

excuse me God, could you speak up? I can't hear you over my life...

2008-07-31T14:10:00.008-05:00

i am not listening.

he is speaking, but i am simply not listening.

not only am i not listening,

but then i am complaining about not hearing.

that is pathetic.

customers.

miranda lambert.

birds.

cell phone.

bethany dillon.

mom.

friends.

construction workers.

amanda.

lawn mower.

dispatch.

...i hear you just fine...

my jesus? that is a different story.

like a person stranded in the desert turning down water,

or a hungry person turning down food.

a music lover turning down a CD,

a naked person turning down clothes.

why why why

would a Christian turn down the voice of God?

i'm not sure, but i do it all the time.

abolitionist

2008-07-29T13:52:00.010-05:00

ab•o•li•tion•ist -noun- a person who favors the abolition of a practice or institution, esp. capitol punishment or slavery.

i want to be an a b o l i t i o n i s t .

father, make me angry at injustice.

make me blind to the color of skin.

erase apathy from my heart.

let a broken heart become my companion, and repression my adversary.

i declare that i serve a God who is bigger than bondage.

i declare that i serve a God of justice.

a God who has made me, and you, His hands and feet.

so where are we walking?

and who are we touching?

..."You have ruined Israel, which is my vineyard. You have taken advantage of the poor, filling your barns with grain extorted from helpless people. How dare you grind my people into the dust like that!" demands the Lord, the Lord Almighty... isaiah 3:14-15

i am guilty

...the hot sun rises and dries up the grass;

the flower withers, and its beauty fades away.

so also, wealthy people will fade away with all of their

achievements. james 1:11

may it be as you have said

my beloved,

remember my people, for they are your people.

the flowers, the trees, the grass bring glory to my name, you see their beauty.

imagine then, the beauty of my people.

my favorite creation.

my most intricate.

their suffering is a burden on your heart, for they call you sister,

you call them brother.

if your feet are not your own...

if your hands are not your own...

then certainly, they are mine.

so have no fear, with me, you can accomplish everything.

for I am God.

your God.

the God of the universe.

so go now,

and change the world.

your love will never change

2008-06-22T02:47:00.002-05:00

they tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
would you sing me one, a stranger
just to prove your love?
they tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
and handed guilty freedom
and taken on their stains
and your love will never change
your love will never change
they tell me that you dwell with good and evil
in alleys and cathedrals
shadows and the light
they tell me that you hold the world together
not from guilt, but pleasure
and you somehow know my name
and your love will never change
your love will never change
so tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
and you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
and that you’ll take my blame
and your love will never change
your love will never change

dave barnes

2008-06-20T01:03:00.001-05:00

i want my heart back.

the one that wanted to see change.
the one that wanted to be change.

the one that loved to dream.

i want that heart back.

why so bitter?

2007-09-10T22:42:00.002-05:00

i have noticed lately that many many people in my life are bitter and unhappy, and all of them blame it on love. this is quite the contradiction. Have we completely forgotten that happiness and love are not things that happen to you...they are are things that YOU make happen?

falling in love, and loving someone are so different, they are almost unrelated. when you fall in love, it is like putting the first puzzle pieces into place. the corners and edge pieces are so easy to place. you almost don't have to try, it just fits. after you get the easy stuff out of the way, you have to try to place the other pieces. you move them around, one side may fit, the other may not, they all look alike, but it is not obvious where they go. that part is loving. when you fall in love it is easy, effortless, but its after you get the easy stuff out of the way that you have to work to fit together. give where they take, take where they give. people have quit trying. they have quit moving the pieces, and have decided if they don't just fall into place that person "just wasn't the one." i believe that when we have to work hard at it, and when things don't "just work", is when love is truly great. that is the type of love that changes people. it is a love that is worth working for.

happiness is the same. people act as though they should just be able to sit back and watch the happiness reign over their lives. wasn't that the whole point of the well known phrase from Horace, "carpe diem"....seize the day! grab happiness with both hands. go out and look for it, don't sit around waiting for it to look for you. search until you find the happiness in every situation. make a decision to be happy, learn to be content.

love unconditionally, and live happily.