*preface to this dream: when i was 5 years old, my mom lost a baby. she actually lost a few babies, but that is the only one i was alive for, and the only one our family ever talks about. for some reason, we all believed it to be a boy. he would be 17 years old, and a senior in high school this year. i'm not emotional about this, or anything. i've never really cared.
also, i do not believe that this dream represents my parents in any way, i think they are just a part of the illustration of my own apathy.
dream:
i was sitting in my house, with my parents and my younger brother.
it was current day, and in my very living room.
the four of us were watching TV and talking on the couches when the door bell rang.
two government men in suits were at our front door.
my parents knew instantly what this was about and simply responded,
"thought it'd be our turn soon"
in my dream, i remember knowing exactly what they wanted.
i opened the door, and they looked past me at my parents and just said,
"you know the drill. we'll be back tomorrow to check, or you'll be gone, your things will be gone, and your house will be gone."
then they left.
in my dream, we lived in a time where the government controlled absolutely everything. every so often they would randomly select a house, and to make a point, they would make that family burn one of their children for the sake of keeping their comforts. if they refused to kill their child, the government would take everything they owned, and they would be forced to leave the country.
my parents just looked at us and said,
"he's the youngest, it makes the most sense"
then my parents proceeded to tie my brother's hands above his head, and attach him to a metal contraption that was supplied for us to "get the job done".
it was horrifying.
i was crying and begging my parents not to hurt him, but my mom just calmly explained that although they did not like it either, it was just something that had to be done.
i believe her exact words in my dream were,
"emily, don't you like this house, and our things?"
and i said, "yes"
and she said, "well, there is a price for everything."
we were going to sacrifice my brother for our house and our things.
with that, they lit a fire under my brother.
the worst part is that it was a slow fire, and it began at the bottom, and slowly burned his skin starting at his legs.
he never said a word, he just looked at me, tears streaming down his face. multiple times he moaned and cried out in pain.
(even after i woke up, the only image that i could not get out of my mind, was the way he looked at me as if he felt so betrayed, and so unloved, we never looked away from each other)
my mother, my father and i sat on the couches in my living room with my brother tied up directly in front of us...in so much pain.
the most heart wrenching part of my dream was when my parents realized that this was going to take awhile, so they turned the TV back on, and proceeded to watch it while my brother was burning. tears were streaming down both of our faces, but still i said nothing.
he continued to stare at me, and in my dream it was as if i was actually contemplating,
'my brother? or my stuff?'
I ACTUALLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT.
finally i jumped up and untied his hands.
my parents were upset with me, and said,
"fine! but if you take him, then you have to take responsibility for it and leave the country because if you don't, we'll lose everything we own."
i looked at my brother again as if i was yet again contemplating whether or not he was worth it. i hugged him, and we ran out the front door together.
then i woke up.
i was crying when i woke up, and i was so confused. i started to pray about it immediately. i had no idea if this was from god, or just a nightmare. my first response was, "god, that is completely ridiculous. there is no way i would hesitate in choosing my brother over my stuff. that is insulting."
then i realized...i already have.
and i continue to do so, e v e r y s i n g l e day.
the more i prayed about it, the more i felt god lovingly explaining to me,
just because this boy had a face, and a name, and shared your blood, makes him no more of a brother to you than the millions of other children whom you sacrifice for the sake of your comfort. their blood is on your hands.
when i supply myself with my wants, i directly rob others of their needs.
i live in disgusting, murderous excess.
father, forgive me.
